Dream

"Remember to dream, and dream big", I was told. "Think about what you want your life to be and plan to make it exactly that".

Suzi Orman told a woman on her show to turn down a job that paid a huge salary because it had nothing to do with her dream. "But, Suzi, I'm a waitress and the job pays 65,000 a year" she said. The twenty six year old woman had come to New York to become a shoe designer and had not realized the dream. The job was designing toys. Suzie asked her "Did you go to school, and move yourself to New York to design toys?" "No" she replied. The woman turned down the job and later got a job designing shoes. She was paid 23,000 a year and made less than she did as a waitress. She called Suzie again "I can barely get by" she explained. Suzi advised her to dedicate herself to the job no matter what. "If they say be here at nine, you come in at eight. If everyone goes home at five you stay until seven and do everything you can. Learn everything you can about this company and the business of designing shoes. You are living your dream, the money will follow. And, don't ask for a raise." The caller did practice Suzi's method and was promoted and compensated.

As for me, I'm still a waiter. "HELLO DESTINY! I"M OVER HERE!!!" One can grow tired of dreaming. I did for a while. After trying things that did not work out, dreaming seemed like an old tool that has no clear purpose. You dream smaller, just to see results.

Oh, to dream. I dream that my furnace is not possessed by Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the DVD player works, and the oven has actual temperatures not just on and off. And, still the dream of a beautifully tiled bathroom. I've made calls to all the professionals to fix and repair my broken dreams, I mean appliances. All that and it seems a black out occurred in my house. Most of the light bulbs blinked out over a three day period. The expensive under cabinet lights and the desk lamp bulb. The Vanity lights and a few other lamps. Some of the bulbs are seven dollars apiece. In line at Lowe's, paying $58.32 for light bulbs, I had dejavu. This reminds me of my Ex. This was years ago, and before I knew what was going on. I'd come home and 'try' to turn on a lamp. Only to find the bulb was not burned out it was gone! This went on for months.

No telling how many bulbs I bought during that relationship only to find out that they make an excellent pipe to smoke crystal methamphetamine. Especially the large round five dollar bulbs in the bathroom vanity. "Why are the light bulbs missing everywhere?" I asked him. "They burned out. I think your house has electrical surges and it blows the lights" He said. I hired an electrician to check it out. The house was fine. Then one day while vacuuming out the air vent in the bedroom, yes I do that, I sucked up a LIGHT BULB with burn marks on the bottom. And a tiny sack of white powder. Mystery solved. He was using the light bulbs to smoke drugs. That’s when it got uglier. The fights came to blows, anger became hate, dreams became delusions. Buried under hurt feelings of powerlessness was a dream of a happier life. A life I'd have to fight for in my own home.

It took Greg's kindness and love to give that dream new life. He inspired me to dream again. Fight if necessary. And win. Victory is hard to define. Greg died the same week I reclaimed my home for my new life. He is an angel that came into my life, whose wings gave me courage I didn't know I had. It takes courage to dream and at times more than you think you have. Again someone I love has reminded me to dream. Dreaming can shine so much light on what you want something to be that the reality looks shady. That’s the scary part of dreaming. The challenge to make changes and tough choices is not easy. Nor was divorcing a drug addict or loosing a kind lover.

It was in line at Lowe's that my three year history and another 29th birthday soon to pass, gave ease to my impatience with dreaming of finding a career. The slow cashier gave me time to pause. I looked at where I've been. Not so much the electrical department, but, the lives I have lived. I too have heeded the wise words of Suzi Orman. Only for me it is less about career. Although I do dream of finding a career I feel that passionate about. I'll find it soon enough, when the balance of courage and dreaming meet with opportunity. Hopefully before yet another 29th Birthday. Knowing that I have created a happy life without it feels great. To share my life with someone that encourages me to dream and dreams with me was worth fighting for. I think I applied some of that courage and work ethic to creating a peaceful life. A safe place to dream. It reminded me that dreaming is a useful tool; it is used to build reality.

When the cashier told me the total I said "I can not believe I spent that much on light bulbs!" She shrugged and said "It adds up." I agree it does add up.

Bumperstickers

As I drove to work Tuesday, I found myself behind a car with bumper stickers. One read "Gun control means use two hands." Another read "Vietnam Vets against John Kerry" and a "Hang up and drive" and more of the like. At the red light I noticed his car make and model, a Ford Contour. I just wondered if I'll ever see that set of stickers on a Honda electric hybrid car. My guess is no.

Not to judge or make assumptions about anyone, but, I am surprised someone with such views would make statements with bumper stickers. It seems safe to say this driver is a conservative republican. Served in a war. Voted for both Bushes, and enjoys hunting and fishing with his sons. I've always imagined people like that would not get so passionate, radical even as to make statements by defacing their car.

Most of the tail light philosophy I've been forced to read at traffic lights has to do with political candidates and honor role students, pro-life. That I'd expect from the more conservative folks and that’s it. It is the more liberal ones that usually display clever phrases regarding saving trees and /or earth, animal rights, beating up honor role students. Sometimes cutting up ear ecstasy logos to make their own statement. I've come to expect this form of communication from members of PETA not NRA.

To me bumper stickers are like fringe on rugs. Un predictable, unnecessary clutter. I've not found one that spoke to my agenda. For example, my friend quite smoking and has elected nicotine suckers to satiate her desire to smoke. I think United health care should pay for her suckers to help her quite smoking. But no, it is not covered. One conspiracy theory is that smokers get sick and die. It is the healthy people that just keep living and sucking more money from health care for hips and long term housing. So, to Blue cross smokers are a good long term financial risk. Once they get sick, done. They must prefer my friend smoke. She might take up running with one of her nicotine laced suckers in her mouth and choke.

It reminds me of a woman I saw at Red Lobster. She took her seat at a table in the smoking section removed her oxygen tube and smoked. If this woman had a bumper that reads "I brake for butts!" I believe her. She is a true smoker. I wish I could have asked the man in the Ford on Tuesday about his statements. I want to know how much convection is in front of the bumper. "Sir, with all due respect I just wonder if by gun control you mean no government regulations. Because, If my neighbor buys a gun I'd like to think informed people agree he is happy enough to bare arms to protect his family. And that the voices in his head did not tell him to buy the gun, or many guns. Although it is dangerous to have guns around children. You might as well let them smoke or run with nicotine suckers in their mouth. How many kids are killed each year with guns bought to protect the family?" I'd ask. It's not just child safety, crazy people need no guns. It is not the deer hunter I fear it is the crack-head with a gun. If I'd had a gun during my last relationship the divorce would have happened so much sooner.

I'm not picking on the Ford driver because he is republican or conservative. I just noted it was odd to see such propaganda in bumper sticker form. I'd ask the same of any bumper sticker activist. "Do you 'DO' what’s behind you?" I do agree with "Hang Up and DRIVE!" Unless you're a doctor you do not need to be on the phone while driving a car.

I have no bumper stickers and mean it!

To Good Health

I have had the Flu for the past four days. I have spent most of the time in bed. Saturday night I thought my knee and hip hurt and finally understood the expression "A catch in my get along". A phrase I've heard mostly from people over sixty and once on Little House on the Prairie. After I got home from 610 Mag. I had to accept the fact I was ill all over not just in my 'get along'.

Sunday began and ended in bed. Me and both dogs. Shug and I are hosting Baxter for a few weeks while his daddy is working out of town. Baxter hales from Chicago and while he's here I have to keep my eye on his daddy's convertible too. It's a package deal. I did enjoy the top down on Saturday before I got sick. Remarkable the weather in Louisville, top down and sunny Saturday only to have snow on it Monday. Perfect weather to have the Flu.

This Flu was all about mussel aches and joint pain. It hurt to move my eyes. At one point, my hair hurt. It was like every hang-over I've ever had put together. The fever hallucinations/dreams would be more entertaining if they didn't make you feel crazy on top of sick. One image I remember was of me and a kite. Only, I had to fly this kite for some huge reason. And the dogs had tracked mud into Barkley's car all while my parents stop by with a zucchini cake. That flurry of brain activity paused when I said out loud "Mom!" as if she was in the kitchen making soup. That would have been lovely if it had been reality, but as it was it made me feel crazy. "Maybe I'm not sick just crazy, so crazy I think I'm sick". I opened my eyes and saw both dogs looking at me. They both had laid as close as possible, one on each side, their bodies on top of the covers keeping me warm but, also subtlely creating a straight jacket from 500 thread count bed linen.

The fever also made me weak. It took both hands to get a cup of tea in the microwave. And, it hurt to do it. I'd have to guess but I'd bet that is how the body feels after liposuction. Only not from scalp to toe. I don't think they do a total body shop-vac lipo. That’s how this felt. It even took me by surprise. As if I was walking down the street and thought "A facial would be nice" and suddenly I was hooked up to a jet engine powered, shop- vac liposuction cart at the mall. Bam! No warning. Suddenly, there I was, hurting all over, dizzy and talking to people that are not there.

The dogs took good care of me and pretended to enjoy watching TV and sleeping for two and a half days. It was all my achy body could do to walk from the bed to the back door to let them out. I'd fed the three of us and we'd all get back in bed. They seemed to know I was sick. And where happy to stay in bed with their chins rested on my aching shoulders or with a paw on my knee. It made me feel better. That makes me wonder what else they can do. Maybe they can finish the tile in the bathroom.

Pomegranate juice is my new favorite antioxidant. Mixed with sparkling water it makes a great beverage, sick or not. and it has more antioxidants than red wine. I was shocked too; there is something better for you than red wine. At about four dollars a pint for pomegranate juice, wine might be cheaper. Just not fun when you’re sick. I plan to make a cocktail with pomegranate juice once I'm well again. And drink a toast to dogs going to medical school and good health.

To reward my care givers I drove them to the park tonight after work. They got to run and sniff new things. I let them be dogs again, not the magic, healing creatures my fever said them to be. Just in case, I'll leave the 'How to tile a bathroom' book near the dog toys while I'm at work.

To good health,
Leland